Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Maybe this time

A few things I'm learning about myself, the Gospel, and goals from here on out:

Life.  I don't know how all my young-mom-friends out there do it.  They serve their husbands, kids, make their homes into live-in design show rooms, home school, host house church, have time for reading and hobbies on the side, oh yeah, and are growing by leaps and bounds in their walks with the Lord, too.  They are superwomen.  (Or are they?  Is this what a normal woman and mother is supposed to look like?  If so, yowzas...I need an intervention!)

So, in an attempt to actually be like these fellow mamas and women, I've been striving to do all of the above the last few months.  And simply, I can't do it.  And now that I'm realizing how much I've tried to do it successfully, I'm all the more empty.

Comparison is a thorn in my side.  I'm learning, once again, how useless and detrimental this tactic of the enemy is.  I feel like I should have this figured out by now.  That I should be confident and have enough self-awareness to combat the little thoughts that come floating by.  Rather than let them pass by, I ponder, give them more attention than they deserve.  Then those floating thoughts land, take root, then grow to affect my outlook on life, family, and the Church.  This is so elementary!  Why is this still an issue?!

For now, I'll stop asking why it's an issue and accept that it is an issue.  And now that it's admitted, I can no longer fool myself and think I can fix it on my own.  Now I have the joy of repenting.  And I'm not being sarcastic--it is a joy for me to repent!  It could be daily for the next few days and weeks.  OK, probably multiple times a day, but it's still repenting.  And I'm learning that all this comparison stuff isn't really as much about wanting to refine myself or do better for my family as it is about wanting to puff myself up.  So, enter pride.  I'm learning that pride is at the root of my heart and I want to look like I have it all together so I can be esteemed as a good wife who practices Proverbs 31.  Good grief if that isn't sin then what is?!  (Didn't think I'd be pouring my heart out on my blog today--I have laundry to do, tons of it, but I think this public confession is laundering my heart.  Which I'll take).  So, there's a bit of an update into my life and how Christ and the Spirit are searching my heart, exposing the disgusting-ness of it, and how I need Him more now than I can ever remember.  I love that I have a Savior who isn't surprised by this.  He's not shaking his head or "tisk-tisk" ing me.  He loves me, He made me, He knew this would be a struggle, and He decided to redeem me anyways.  And He's refining and will use this for His glory, Lord willing.

On a not so serious note, here are some goals and recent updates:

  • Jason will be sharing preaching responsibilities at the Apex Xenia campus and the Kettering campus starting in September.  This is a huge step for our family.  We're excited for what's to come!
  • I've become a Mary Kay beauty consultant.  I've loved it so far and I'm hoping this venture will bring in extra income for our family, allow me to expand my social circles and reach women who don't know Christ so through our facials, I can share Him with them.  
  • Reagan and Gideon are the cutest kids.  They are handfuls most of the time but my heart is also full because of them.  So, I guess they're handfuls and heartfuls.  
  • Michael, Maggie, and Jonah-boy are moving back to Dayton in July.  No words could express how much our little family is anticipating their home-coming.  
  • Becca boo is home for the Summer and it's been awesome to re-connect and hang out with her.  She's become our weekly babysitter and it's great to see the kids bond with her even more.  
  • Ham Fam Reunion 2011 is just around the corner.
  • Goals:  Wake up early again to be in the Word.  Exercise.  Get my house in order.  Get pregnant.  Host more Mary Kay parties and facials.  Get a home school curriculum in place for Fall for Miss Reagy Roo.  Learn new ways to encourage my hubby.  Start taking Gideon out for mommy/son dates.  
Now that I've changed my blog background and successfully rearranged some stuff and added a new header and actually blogged, I'm off to accomplish some of the above goals.  Thanks for reading, you'll hear more from me soon.  For real this time.  I'm going to get better at this.  


wingjason said...

Talk about some serious honesty in this blog... Wow. This is totally transparent, yet gospel-centered.

We have a long way to go/grow. And as hard as it sometimes, I would like to now say to you something that you first said to me a long time ago - "worst case scenario, I'm with you."

You are my love.

the clemensuz said...

Um, I love you. As you well know, I could have written this blog entry (the first part, obviously) about myself, word for word. I'm so thankful we have a friendship where we can encourage, challenge, and walk through this crazy season together. Praying for you and your fam always!

Amber said...

Comparison is such an ugly, yet easy trap to fall into. At the conference I was at this past weekend they were challening women to be each other's biggest cheerleaders instead of comparing. So here's to us all being each other's cheerleaders!
We need a play date asap. Miss you guys!

Rachel said...

Thanks for your prayers, Melissa! I know we are peas in a pod with this stuff. And Amber, cheering ladies on is the exact thing to do rather than compare and contrast. Thanks for sharing that. And J, thanks for your love, no matter what.

Maggie said...

Rach, you have such a sweet and obedient heart that inspires other woman to seek their Savior more. Thanks for being so open and honest about your struggles. I applaud you for putting into words on your blog! It makes me realize I need to be more honest too! And PS- you are super woman:) just in case you didn't already know it! I love you sis!

Lisa said...

Wow! You show such humility and transparency in you blog post. I've always thought of you exhibiting the gift of contentment. You model it well along with a servant's heart for your family and others. You are a great Mom and wife and I admire all you do for your family. It's hard work, no doubt but it's evident how much your family loves you.

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Thanks for sharing, Rachel! I am so glad you are finding your freedom from comparison in Christ. It is such a struggle for us women. I have found that I can only do one or two things well a day. I may cook amazing meals and be a good mom one day, but the house will be trashed and the laundry sky high. My house may be clean and laundry done but my kids may have gotten lost in my tasks. Lately, I've tried to focus on what matters to ME, prioritize based on that and just let the rest go.

Praying for you and your family as you guys move forward in this exciting new step.